Wow I have not updated in awhile. Got busy with working a lot. Now where I worked is closed for the Winter. I thought once I got laid off I could get caught up on a lot of things, well I just got busier and busier lol.

Things are still hard for me, some days I can do good and talk about Grandma and some days if somebody even mentions her name I start to cry. Yesturday I was cleaning out my car, and I went to go clean out the trunk and I found a walmart bag and so I opened it and here was a pair of Grandma's shoes I had taken to the Nursing home but they were too tight on her feet so I put them back into my car. and so I frooze right away and tied the bag back up, put them back into my trunk and closed the trunk, and thought I will do the trunk another day. 

Everything I do reminds me of her, going out to walmart, going to culvers and eating Grilled chicken cashew salads, baking....we always used to do that stuff together.

It is already almost October and that means the holidays will be right around the cornor, that is going to be the hardest. She always sent me a birthday card (usually the only one I got besides from my mom) and thanksgiving she was here and Christmas she would just love!

Tonight I will be going to the brewer game! She loved the Brewers!!! I am going to be wearing one of her sweaters to the game tonight! its just a little jacket kinda like sweater, but that ways part of her is at that game.

Well it is time to head off to curves, I know Grandma would be proud of me taking a turn in the right direction with my weight. I know she is still here with me, and is my Guardian Angel.

The little things

The last 2 days including today every single little thing reminds me of Grandma. Lastnight my mom and I ate cashew chicken salad from culvers and the whole time I was eating it, all I could think of when grandma had a heart attack in feb of 2010 I went and picked her up from the hospital in madison and when we got to the dells we went to culvers and had those salads! She would always leave a few pieces of chicken for last!

Everywhere I go I see elderly ladies that remind me of her, weaither it being the way they walk, look, talk.  When I am driving to Beaver Dam all I can think about is the one time she called me and I was on my way to Beaver Dam and she asked if I would take her someplace the next day, and ofcourse I said yes :)

I still have boxes of her stuff that we got from the apartment (like crafts and some angels I got) that we just can't go thru. I have pictures to add on my facebook album of her that I just can't get myself to scan in and add them, or even look at them.

I was doing good the last few days before last but now it seems like every single little thing I am reminded of her, its not a bad thing but hurts. I am sad, I know she is in a better place but I can't help but wish she was still her with us, I just can't help it!

I drive by her apartment building thinking maybe if I drive by she will come out! I just can't help it!

2 Days Off :)

Been very busy lately!!!  My last 2 days I did not get to go fishing...the boat was in the shop, and we got really busy. Friday my engine light came back on in my car, it ended up being the thermastat, so we had to replace that, Erik replaced it. Than we went out to Cocktails Friday night.  Saturday we went to Harrington Beach State Park and to Port Washington, so beautiful! I wish I would of brought my suit i could of gone swimming. Later Saturday night we had a fire!

Curve's is going really great, I love it! I am going again today. Today I have to run to church and put up commuion with my mom, than off to curves and than to the store than back home, we might make it back in time to go to church!

Tomorrow nothing much planned but tomorrow evening Erik & I are going to Green Lake Fair Truck & Tractor pulls! I am excited I love that one!

Hope everybody has a good day!! It sure is a hot one!

Day 10 Of 10

Today is finally work day 10 of 10! All I have to do is get thru tonight and I am off for 2 days! I wanted to hope to go fishing but we wont be able to go in the boat, something is wrong with Eriks motor :( ooo well I am sure we will find other things to do.

My mom and I started on a new adventure today, we joined curves! I am super excited about this new chapter in my life!!!!!!

So many thing have been going thru my mind the last few days, a lot about my Grandma...I know she would just be so proud of me taking this first step in losing weight and joining curves, I wish I could just call her so bad and talk to her.

Well I am off to finish getting ready for my day, get some lunch, and head to work at 3!

Have A Good Day!!!

Long Time....

Sorry it has been a long time since the last post...been busy working. Tomorrow will be day 9 of 10, than 2 days off :)  This last week when I was not working I was at the Columbia Fair, with an avon booth....so far so good, I got a few new customers :)

I have friday & saturday off this week, I am hoping to get some fishing in! I miss fishing so much. The last 2 weeks it has been so hot and on my days off it was WAY too hot to go out on the water.

I got off work this afternoon and I actually had an afternoon to come home and relax, which is weird for me because I am used to do all this running around and I dont have to do a thing! The only thing that I dont like is they are cutting down a tree or something next door and it is making a lot of noise and the trucks are loud, so there goes my quiet!

I have been thinking about doing a walk in Madison in October for heart disease, and I was thinking about getting a team together and walking in memory of Grandma Birkholz, if you would like to become part of my team, or would like to donate please let me know....more deatails to follow!

well thats it for now, better get my new avon books ready for this campaign!

Humid!

The last few days have been so hot!!! I do not like humid weather, it makes me cranky!

Yesturday I work till 2, I went to the Hamburg Reuion for a bit, than off to Madison. I went out to eat with Erik at Olive Garden, than went to the casino down there for a bit.

Olive Garden was a bad experence! It was dead but when we walked in we had to wait 10 minutes for a table, which when we were seated, a lot of tables were empty in the sections that were open. The hostess sat us at a dirty table, and told us sorry for the dirty table and walked away. We asked to be seated at a clean table, nobody listen, I knew than we should of gotten up and went somplace else! The food finally came after a long wait, the breadsticks were old and hard and cold, Eriks food was good, my food was gross, and was nuke warm, and had no taste. The only good thing was the salad!!

After that we went to the casino, I walked in with $20, walked about with $35.00! It was fun. Early this morning some bad storms came thru.

Plan for today, do some laundry, clean a bit than go to work!

Hope everybody has a good Monday!!

Hot Summer Afternoon

It is another warm one outside today! Today is the twin's first birthday party, I have to work but Mom and Dave are going :) I can't belive they are 1 already!

This morning my mom and I did some running around we had to do, than went out to lunch with Dave and stopped at a Garage Sale. I already on Thursday stopped at this Garage Sale and bought some stuff, but Dave wanted to go and so I bought some more!! They had some good deals!!

I work tonight, hope things go well! My allergies are really kicking in, makes for a long afternoon at work. Hope everybody is having a good weekend :)

~sometimes life is just about rolling down the windows in your car..blasting your favorite song..and forgetting the world for a while!~

2 Months

Yesturday Grandma has been gone for 2 months........I thought with time, it would get easier but it seems to get harder and harder every day. Today is the 8th of the month, My mom and I always took Grandma shopping on the 8th of every month. I just so badly want to call her and hear her voice!!! I just want to get a text from her!!

 I think of her all the time. So much has happened since she went to heaven. I got a new job. I think honestly that was one of the hardest times without her because when I got a new job I would call her and tell her and tell her all about the job, and we would go out to lunch to celebrate and she would always ask me how my job was going every time I talked to her. 

In the summer time we would always call her to make sure she had her A/C on during the hot days, and always go and check on her to make sure she was alright. I would always call my car grandma's car too because every time we took her someplace it would be in my car, so I told her it could be her car too! As a joke when the car was dirty, I would say Grandma, we need to go and get our car washed, it's dirty!! Today I washed my car and it made me smile remembering that joke.

One of the things I have been thinking about the last few days is, When we beat the ambulance transporting her to the Hospic Care Center in Baraboo we were waiting for her to get there, and when she did I went and opend the door for them and the first thing she said was, "there is my Jackie." I will never forget that.

We have so many memories with Grandma, and even on some bad days, the good memories I have with her hurts. I was at the store the other day and I overheard a young women say, "ooo it's just Grandma calling, we can call her back." or something along those lines and I just thought to myself, I would love to hear my grandma's voice again, or get a call from her.

I know Grandma is in a better place, is with Grandpa, her parents, and her sister & brother's and all the family up there in heaven, and I know she is happy! BUT some days it gets very hard to not be selfish, and want her back, want her back here so I can see her, and take her places, and have her here with us!!

It seems to get harder and harder every day she is gone, seems like I should just go there to her apartment and she would be there! Maybe with time it will get easier. Some do say it only gets harder before it gets easier.

~sadness is ~ when you realize that you can't call her anymore, share things with her or see her smile- ever again.  I love and miss you my beautiful grandma. ~

Day Off

Today is my day off, I had plans to get up and clean and do some laundry and than head over to Beaver Dam to spend some time with Erik.

Well lastnight I got off work late, and ended up sleeping in later today than what I wanted to. After I got moving around I seen some garage sales signs and decided to go to some. I found some really good deals at one garage sale, but the rest I found nothing. I did find a little vase thing that says "Grandma" on it that I am going to put some cute small flowers in and put up on the cemetary.

I should so some cleaning and laundry before I head over to Beaver Dam for the night. Looks like it is going to rain, I would not mind if it did!

Well I am off to do some stuff, hope everybody had a good or is having a good Thursday!!

~You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and loved more than you know~

Healing

Some of you may have read this on my facebook, but I decided to put it on here too. This is a thing I posted about healing, and I just need time to heal and time to be sad, and a time to just accpet the things that have happened to me.

Somedays I sit here and think, why me??

Not many people know what I am going thru, some say they do but do they really??

In 2009 I watched Grandpa harley cancer take his life away, It was so hard to go there and see it all happen but he end I felt a lot better knowing all those Sunday's I went up there and we got to spend the day together with everybody.

Shortly after the passing of Grandpa Harley, bad news came for Grandpa Billy. I just watched one of my grandpa's pass away of cancer, now I have to do it again? It just did not seem fair! There were days I would drive to the nursing home and just sit outside because I could not do it! I would drive around the nursing home but I jsut could not go inside!!! The day came, I had to say see you later grandpa, and tell him it was okay to go and We were going to be alright and to go be with Grandma Sandy.

In May 2010 Grandma Billy passed away. Growing up he was like another father to me, we would always go do stuff in the graden together, I would drive by him in my mower thinking I was mowing grass helping him out (later to find out there was no blade on the mower I was driving lol) we would always go for sunday drives, go out for breakfast in the morning. After Grandma Sandy passed away I grew apart a little from my grandpa, I still do not know why but I feel bad for it, and I dont know if it was the memory of grandma sandy every time I seen him but it just hurt. but I remember one time I saw him at walmart and we sat on the bench together talking forever, he had the biggest smile on his face ever!

In 2011 I thought I could start to heal from this all, and start dealing with it! I was wrong. In febuary 2011 Grandma Birkholz had another heartattack, she had surgery and we hit a rocky part in the road with recovery but after it all she seemed to be doing alright. she went to a nursing home for some physical therapy to get her strenght back and was back in her appartment. at that time I knew it would not be long but Was so happy she was home! In april I was supposed to have ankle surgery but I canceled it (some health problems) and because I wanted to be there for my grandma, if she needed something I wanted to be there to be able to do it and get it for her. In April my mother found her in her bed, basically non responsive. My mother is a hero for calling 911 and Dave is too for what they did, they gave us Grandma for a few more weeks to bond with her. She was rushed to St.mary's and that night we thought we would lose her, but the next morning she suprised us all and woke up and they book the breathing tube out and she started talking. After being in ICU, they put her into a regular room and than to the nursing home. I knew she was still not doing good. Easter came and my mom and I got her out of the nursing home for the day and we went to church, and came back home and had some ham sandwhiches, it was a really good time. That next week she went back into st. mary's were they told us, there is nothing they can do, her body is shutting down. They put her into the baraboo hospice center. They said it could be days, weeks, months, they didn't know. The first night grandma was doing to me alright, she told us what she wanted from home and we took it back there. THe second day she was tired and slept a lot but woke up to tell us stories and told us her mother told her "They have beautiful flower gardens in heavan and you have to do nothing to them to make them beautiful"

Than she told us one time when she woke up "maybe I will like Milk in heaven" The next day she mostly slept waking up for here and there a few times but mostly slept. Saturday she never woke up. The staff at the hospic center were so nice!

May 7th 2011 Grandma Birkholz went to heaven. At first I was not too bad, the visitation came and went, funeral came and went, and I felt like I was doing okay.

June came around and it got hard, I so just want to call her or even text her, than now it hits me in 3 years I have lost 3 grandparents! Grandpa Harley died, and 9 months later grandpa billy died, and almost a year later (1 week from being a year) grandma Birkholz passed away.

I am getting stronger and each day it seems to be getting a little bit better, I have some really hard days but for the most part it is just going to take time to heal.

** Remember it is not a good bye, it is a see you later because in heaven one day we will be reunited**