Healing

Some of you may have read this on my facebook, but I decided to put it on here too. This is a thing I posted about healing, and I just need time to heal and time to be sad, and a time to just accpet the things that have happened to me.

Somedays I sit here and think, why me??

Not many people know what I am going thru, some say they do but do they really??

In 2009 I watched Grandpa harley cancer take his life away, It was so hard to go there and see it all happen but he end I felt a lot better knowing all those Sunday's I went up there and we got to spend the day together with everybody.

Shortly after the passing of Grandpa Harley, bad news came for Grandpa Billy. I just watched one of my grandpa's pass away of cancer, now I have to do it again? It just did not seem fair! There were days I would drive to the nursing home and just sit outside because I could not do it! I would drive around the nursing home but I jsut could not go inside!!! The day came, I had to say see you later grandpa, and tell him it was okay to go and We were going to be alright and to go be with Grandma Sandy.

In May 2010 Grandma Billy passed away. Growing up he was like another father to me, we would always go do stuff in the graden together, I would drive by him in my mower thinking I was mowing grass helping him out (later to find out there was no blade on the mower I was driving lol) we would always go for sunday drives, go out for breakfast in the morning. After Grandma Sandy passed away I grew apart a little from my grandpa, I still do not know why but I feel bad for it, and I dont know if it was the memory of grandma sandy every time I seen him but it just hurt. but I remember one time I saw him at walmart and we sat on the bench together talking forever, he had the biggest smile on his face ever!

In 2011 I thought I could start to heal from this all, and start dealing with it! I was wrong. In febuary 2011 Grandma Birkholz had another heartattack, she had surgery and we hit a rocky part in the road with recovery but after it all she seemed to be doing alright. she went to a nursing home for some physical therapy to get her strenght back and was back in her appartment. at that time I knew it would not be long but Was so happy she was home! In april I was supposed to have ankle surgery but I canceled it (some health problems) and because I wanted to be there for my grandma, if she needed something I wanted to be there to be able to do it and get it for her. In April my mother found her in her bed, basically non responsive. My mother is a hero for calling 911 and Dave is too for what they did, they gave us Grandma for a few more weeks to bond with her. She was rushed to St.mary's and that night we thought we would lose her, but the next morning she suprised us all and woke up and they book the breathing tube out and she started talking. After being in ICU, they put her into a regular room and than to the nursing home. I knew she was still not doing good. Easter came and my mom and I got her out of the nursing home for the day and we went to church, and came back home and had some ham sandwhiches, it was a really good time. That next week she went back into st. mary's were they told us, there is nothing they can do, her body is shutting down. They put her into the baraboo hospice center. They said it could be days, weeks, months, they didn't know. The first night grandma was doing to me alright, she told us what she wanted from home and we took it back there. THe second day she was tired and slept a lot but woke up to tell us stories and told us her mother told her "They have beautiful flower gardens in heavan and you have to do nothing to them to make them beautiful"

Than she told us one time when she woke up "maybe I will like Milk in heaven" The next day she mostly slept waking up for here and there a few times but mostly slept. Saturday she never woke up. The staff at the hospic center were so nice!

May 7th 2011 Grandma Birkholz went to heaven. At first I was not too bad, the visitation came and went, funeral came and went, and I felt like I was doing okay.

June came around and it got hard, I so just want to call her or even text her, than now it hits me in 3 years I have lost 3 grandparents! Grandpa Harley died, and 9 months later grandpa billy died, and almost a year later (1 week from being a year) grandma Birkholz passed away.

I am getting stronger and each day it seems to be getting a little bit better, I have some really hard days but for the most part it is just going to take time to heal.

** Remember it is not a good bye, it is a see you later because in heaven one day we will be reunited**